


this pain in my head, escaped from my heart

by BatWingsandBlackCats



Series: The Neverending Playlist [1]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff, Musician!Carmilla, Unintentional Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 13:30:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17788295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatWingsandBlackCats/pseuds/BatWingsandBlackCats
Summary: An impulsive decision leads Laura to the back of the venue where Carmilla's band is playing. She hasn't seen Carmilla since they broke up six months ago.





	this pain in my head, escaped from my heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, happy Valentines Day! Hope you're all having a nice day. This isn't really a valentine's day fic, but I've been wanting to post it and I finally had the brain power to finish and edit it between spurts of writers block. It looks like the writer's block is easing up finally. 
> 
> This fic is inspired by the Flogging Molly song "Laura" and it sort of inspired this new series, The Neverending Playlist. It'll be a collection of Hollstein fics, canon and AU that are based on various songs. They won't be songfics for the most part - this one is the exception because it didn't work without the lyrics. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to this series, and I hope you guys like it!
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Carmilla ran a hand through her hair as she listened to her bandmates squabble over the setlist for that night. They were going to be playing in a small venue that night, in Dublin. It’d been a while since they’d played in Dublin, needing a break from that particular city. Branch out a little. 

 

Or rather, Carmilla needed a break from Dublin. 

 

She’d been antsy all day, the others noticing, but not commenting. They knew why. And they knew not to mention it. 

 

Mel was bickering with LaF about which song they should open with, and Will and and Kirsch were fighting over what song they should end with, Kirsch claiming that Will’s choice was too much of a downer. 

 

Carmilla really needed to get away from their chattering. 

 

She snatched the marker from the beat up dressing room coffee table and scribbled a word at the end of the list. The others stopped talking at her sudden movement, and they seemed to quiet further when they saw what Carmilla had written. 

 

“You sure about that, Karnstein?” Mel asked after a moment. 

 

“Yeah.” She said shortly, and got up. “I’m going for a smoke.”

 

\--------

 

This was a bad idea.

 

This was a _terrible_ idea.

 

Laura knew this couldn’t possibly end well, but she never did have very good self preservation instincts. Something that was very bad for her poor father’s blood pressure. 

 

It was a whim. A stupid, stupid whim. 

 

But then again, she also had bad impulse control along with lacking self preservation skills. 

 

She supposed she could have done something worse. What that might be, she wasn’t sure.

 

It was ten at night and Laura was sitting in the back of a pub in Dublin, surrounded by a crowd of people who were eagerly awaiting the headliner. A pint sat in front of her but she hadn’t drank much of it, mostly spending the night so far wondering if she should leave or not. 

 

She hadn’t left yet, so that was something. 

 

The lights suddenly dimmed and the crowd began to cheer, and when Carmilla walked onstage followed by her bandmates, Laura’s breath caught. 

 

She was just a beautiful as she had been six months ago when Laura had last seen her. 

 

Wet eyes and smeared makeup.

 

Laura wasn’t paying much attention to the songs they played, she just watched Carmilla move around the stage in her leather and flannel and ripped t shirts, her raven hair loose and long and in her eyes and her tattoos a blur of color, listened to her velvet voice as her insides fluttered and twisted at the same time. The Guinness wasn’t helping.  

 

She hadn’t heard Carmilla sing in six months and it was making her feel things she hadn’t stopped feeling for the last six months. The feelings were just louder, now. Much louder.

 

Laura had met Carmilla two years ago, when Carmilla’s band was just starting to gain some recognition. Laura had been a junior in college, originally from Cornwall, England, but had moved to Dublin for Uni and a change of scenery. 

 

Carmilla’s band was still a local band with mostly a cult following, but fans were cropping up across the country, and across Europe Laura had heard. They’d done a small tour in England, about a dozen interviews. 

 

One question always came up in the interviews that Carmilla did while her and Laura were still dating. 

 

What was a girl named Karnstein doing fronting a Celtic punk band, and how did she have an Irish accent?

 

Carmilla’s answer was that she’d been born in Germany, but was adopted by an Irish woman and was raised in Cork City. Ireland was all she knew. 

 

Laura was no longer privy to Carmilla’s life though, since they’d broken up six months ago. Laura remembered their last fight in spurts and blurry patches. She’d been upset because Carmilla was leaving again to do a small string of shows across the country, and Carmilla had been angry, thinking Laura didn’t want her to chase her dreams. That tiny spark had exploded into a row that included all sorts of stupid shit that Laura couldn’t remember, but it’d been enough for them to end things. 

 

They hadn’t talked or seen each other since, but Laura thought about her every single day. She couldn’t not. Carmilla was still everywhere. Traces of her still lingered in her clothes, her camera, her phone, Dublin itself. Laura couldn’t escape her, and she found that she didn’t want to.

 

She’d never intended to go this far, though. 

 

Show up to one of Carmilla’s shows, that is. But she’d seen Carmilla’s band’s name written on the blackboard outside the pub, and her feet had a mind of their own. 

 

Before Carmilla knew it, the show was almost over, and her palms began sweating as the encore song drew closer and closer. The lights were in her eyes but she did the best she could to look out over the crowd, talk to them between songs. 

 

Two more songs and the show was over. 

 

But at the crowd's insistence, her and her bandmates took the stage again, and Carmilla swallowed, wet her lips, before laying a hand on the mic again. 

 

“This is a new one,” Carmilla said, “hasn’t even been recorded yet.” She breathed out a laugh, and ran her hand through her hair. She always did when she was nervous. “It’s about a girl who deserves far more than the likes of me.”

 

Laura’s brows drew together as she watched Carmilla glance back a her bandmates as Kirsch counted down with his drumsticks. 

 

_Feel the words from my lips to your heart's fingertip_

_Then you know where I come from_

_Cause I know, yes, I know everything there is to know_

_Cause I lost everything I had_

_You see, I, I could have danced on the sun_

_But my world came undone_

 

Laura watched as Carmilla stood motionless behind the mic as she sang, and a tightening in her chest formed, eyes wide in the dark pub.

 

_Laura_

 

Carmilla’s voice cracked as it formed Laura's name, and Laura’s heart dropped like a stone into her stomach. 

 

_There's no need for tears cause there's no need to cry_

_The love that you leave will never be denied_

_This pain in my head escaped from my heart_

_No woman alive could touch who you were_

 

_So bye bye, Laura_

_There's no one could take your place_

_Bye bye, Laura_

_Your beauty will never fade_

 

Tears welled in Laura’s eyes as she watched, frozen in her seat as Carmilla sang, eyes closed, feet planted behind the mic. She was doing that thing where she would run her fingers through her hair and clench the strands when she was nervous. Her voice was raspy and strained but Laura though she’d never heard her sing so beautifully. 

 

It broke her heart. 

 

_They say that your song will reach for the sky_

_This love that you leave will never be denied_

_And after the song the spirit lives on_

_Though you're not around you'll never be gone_

 

_So bye bye, Laura_

_There's no one could take your place_

_Bye bye, Laura_

_Your beauty will never fade_

 

Carmilla’s heart was beating out of her chest, the pain she’d felt for the last six months welling up to her breaking point. Her hand ached as she clutched the mic but she couldn’t make herself loosen her grip, and some sick part of her hoped the song would make it’s way to Laura by chance, through a fan’s video posted to twitter or something. that’s not how she would want Laura to hear the song, she’d rather play it for her, but that was selfish and the song’s existence was probably crossing a line but she couldn’t help it. 

 

She kept her eyes closed and hoped Laura would forgive her for using her name. She’d tried not to. 

 

_But I, I could have danced on the sun_

_But my world came undone_

_Laura_

_Yeah, I, I could have danced on the sun_

_But my world came undone_

_So bye bye, Laura_

_Bye bye, Laura..._

 

_So bye bye, Laura_

_Bye bye, Laura_

 

Laura’s stomach hurt as silent tears dripped down her cheeks as she watched Carmilla. Carmilla’s hair hid her face but Laura knew her well enough to know that her eyes were closed. Behind Carmilla, Kirsch pounded away on his drums, Mel wailing on her violin. 

 

Laura used to lovingly tease Carmilla about how she closed her eyes when she sang sometimes. In truth, she loved it. She loved it because Carmilla looked peaceful. 

 

But Carmilla didn’t look peaceful as she sang, now. She looked torn and in pain and and like she was crumbling. Like everything Laura felt. 

 

_This pain in my head escaped from my heart_

_No woman alive could touch who you were_

 

Carmilla squeezed her eyes tighter as tears threatened to fall. Her left hand jerkily left the mic and landed on her right forearm, fingertips digging into her inked flesh.  

 

_So bye bye, Laura_

_There's no one could take your place_

_Bye bye, Laura_

_Your beauty will never fade_

_So bye bye, Laura_

_There's no one could take your place_

_Bye bye, Laura_

_Your beauty will never fade_

 

Laura sat stunned as the song ended, watching as Carmilla hurried off the stage after a halfhearted wave to the crowd. 

 

Laura sat there for a moment, unable to move, but suddenly she was on her feet, drink forgotten as she began to fight her way through the crowd.

 

She needed to find Carmilla. 

 

Up ahead, Laura caught sight of two security guards flanking a door that presumably led backstage, where Carmilla would no doubt be. 

 

“You can’t go back there,” One of the guards said stiffly, holding up a hand as Laura approached the open door. 

 

“Please, I know Carmilla, I need to talk to her,” Laura begged, inwardly cursing herself for leaving her work badge at home. She probably could have slipped through with the excuse a press badge would afford. 

 

“Yeah, that’s what the all say,” Said the other guard. “There was a meet and greet earlier, you should have paid up for the VIP tickets, sweetheart.”

 

“You don’t understand,” Laura bristled, “I’m—"

 

“Laura?” Came a voice from the other side of the door. 

 

Laura looked past the guards to see Mel, holding her violin case and looking at her curiously.

 

“Mel,” Laura gasped in relief, and began to walk forward again, but was physically stopped by the guards. 

 

“Hey, back off broflakes,” Mel said, irritated. “it’s fine, she can come back here. We know her.”

 

The guards looked at each other and sighed, reluctantly letting Laura through. 

 

Laura hurried past them, and had to stop herself from launching herself at Mel. “Mel, thank you so much, I—“

 

“What are you doing here?” Mel asked coldly, “do you have _any_ idea how fucked up Carmilla has been since you two broke up?” 

 

Laura flinched. “Mel, the song—“

 

 Mel cut her off again. “Do you know how long it took her to show us that song? How long it took her to even _consider_ playing it live?”

 

“Dammit Mel, I need to talk to her!” Laura said harshly, and Mel paused. 

 

It was hard to see in the dim hallway, but Mel suddenly realized that Laura’s eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, her cheeks wet. Mel sighed. 

 

“She’s in the last dressing room on the right,” She said, crossing her arms. “if you hurt her Hollis, you’re screwed.”

 

“I don’t want to,” Laura said softly, giving Mel a meaningful look before turning to walk down the hallway, heart in her throat. 

 

Laura paused just outside Carmilla’s dressing room, and peeked in. Carmilla was sitting on the couch, back to the door, cigarette between her fingers. The smoke rose and curled around her head. Laura could hear a soft sniffle or two coming from her, and her heart broke for the hundredth time that night. 

 

“I thought you quit,” Laura said weakly, unsure of what else to say. 

 

Carmilla jumped, her cigarette falling from her fingers. She hurriedly stomped it out under her boot, cursing, and then she stood, spinning around. 

 

She looked at Laura like a deer in headlights. Eyes wide. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before she forced sound out between her lips. “I….what are you doing here?” She croaked, hastily wiping her cheeks. Her eyes were as red as Laura’s.

 

“I don’t really know,” Laura said quietly, standing in the doorway and fiddling with her sleeves. “I saw your band’s name on the blackboard outside and I came in. I um…I wanted to see you.”

 

Longing and panic was welling in Carmilla’s chest, everything in her wanting to go to Laura, hug her, do something, but panic was freezing her feet to the floor. Laura had heard the song. She’d heard it and she was upset and she probably hated it. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Carmilla said. “about the song. I shouldn’t have played it.”

 

“No,” Laura said quickly, stepping forward. She stopped again quickly. “no, it was beautiful,” She sniffled a little. “really beautiful.”

 

Carmilla walked around the couch slowly, looking for signs that Laura didn’t want her to come closer, but she didn’t see any. “You…you liked it?” 

 

 Laura nodded. "It just....it sounds like I died," she said in a small voice, eyes pained.

 

Carmillas eyes dropped to her feet as she swallowed. "It almost felt like you did," she admitted. She went to look up at Laura again, but her eyes stopped at Laura's throat, her heart stuttering in her chest when she saw the gold claddagh that hung from a delicate gold chain. The one she’d given her on their first anniversary. They hadn't made it to their second. 

 

Carmilla reached up, unable to stop herself, and brushed a finger along the warm metal. "You kept it," she said in awe, eyes finally meeting Laura's. 

 

"I never took it off," Laura admitted, shrugging her shoulder. Her friends had teased her for it. Little lovesick Laura. Unable to let go of her ex.

 

She bit her lip, swallowing more tears as her hand came up, and she brushed her thumb over carmilla's right forearm. A rose tattoo with a banner running through it that said  _Laura_ was etched into her soft skin.

 

"I thought you would have gotten it covered up," Laura sniffled. 

 

Carmilla shook her head. “No," she said quietly. 

 

A few tears spilled over Laura's cheeks and she lurched forward, winding her arms around Carmilla's middle tightly, unable to keep herself away any longer. 

 

Carmilla's breath hitched as she felt Laura's familiar warmth and the scent of honey and leather hit her like a ton of bricks, and she felt Laura tense slightly after a moment.

 

A brief moment of panic ran down Laura's back when Carmilla didn't move, but suddenly Carmilla's arms were wrapped around Laura's back and Laura was drowning in the scent of pine and chocolate and she buried her face in Carmilla's shoulder. 

 

Carmilla laid a hand on the back of Laura's head, the question that had occupied her thoughts for six months burning in her throat. 

 

"Did you miss me?" Carmilla whispered, thumb stroking Laura's honey hair. 

 

Laura sniffled and pulled away just enough to meet Carmilla's eyes. 

 

"Like someone cut a hole in me." She sighed, eyes closing briefly. 

 

Carmilla raised her hand and gently wiped Laura's tears away. "I'm sorry, for everything," she said, her fingers lingering on Laura's cheek. 

 

"Me too," Laura said, her hand coming up to rest atop Carmilla's. "The fight was so stupid and I was petty and selfish and—“

 

“It’s okay,” Carmilla said softly, her fingers drifting down to press against Laura's lips briefly before her hand fell to Laura’s forearm. “I wasn’t paying enough attention to you the way I should have,”

 

Laura shook her head slightly and looked down for a moment, running her hand through her hair. “Can I…can I see you again?” She asked hesitantly, “Or call you sometime?” 

 

Carmilla nodded. “Yes, I’d…I’d like that.” Her eyes drifted down again to the claddagh again. “You still live in Dublin?” 

 

Laura nodded. “New apartment, but yeah.” She thought for a moment. “Will you be in town long?”   

 

“Couple days,” Carmilla said with a shrug. Her body felt heavy and light at the same time, she felt drained and tired but there was a spark in her chest that she hadn’t felt in a long time, simply from looking at Laura. She swallowed, fingers fidgeting as she tried to get the words out. 

 

Laura had always broken her. Left her vulnerable. Bare.

 

“Do you want to get something to eat? Tonight?” Carmilla asked. “I just have to help load our shit into the van—“

 

“Yes,” Laura said quickly, and then blushed at how fast she’d answered. “Yes,” She said again, quieter, as she nodded. 

 

Carmilla cracked a tentative smile. “Wait here?” 

 

\-------

 

Carmilla returned a little while later, and the two left the pub, slowly walking down the cobblestone road. They kept a bit of distance between them, neither wanting to cross a line now that the initial shock of seeing each other again had subsided. Soon, they found themselves standing in front of a little café, the lights inside warm and dim and the smell of coffee wafting out from the door as someone else walked out. Carmilla opened the door for Laura, and Laura ducked in, blushing slightly. 

 

“Coffee?” Laura asked as she unwound her scarf. 

 

“I’ll pay for it,” Carmilla said, reaching for her wallet. 

 

Laura shook her head. “I got it, really. Find us a table?"

 

Carmilla nodded with a small smile and found a little table by the window, and nervously fiddled with one of the rings that sat on her calloused fingers. Soon, Laura returned with two paper cups of coffee, and set one in front of Carmilla before settling across the table from her. 

 

Carmilla looked into her cup and raised an eyebrow. “You remembered?” 

 

"Carm, we were together for a year and a half, I’ve made your coffee a few times,” Laura said with a small smile, though it faltered slightly at her own words. 

 

Carmilla paused at the old nickname, and she felt tentative warmth bloom in her chest at the familiar sound. She nodded a little, and a tense, awkward silence settled over the two of them. 

 

“So…how have you been?” Laura asked tentatively. 

 

“Thing have been okay,” Carmilla said, eyes studying her coffee for a moment. “the band has been doing good, so,”

 

“I asked how you were doing,” Laura prodded gently. “Mel…she said you weren’t doing well.”

 

“No, I haven’t been.” Carmilla admitted. She sighed and looked up at Laura. “You?” 

 

“Horrible.”

 

\-------

 

They sat in the café for nearly two hours, catching up in quiet voices. The smiles came a little easier as time passed, and Laura had caught herself moving to put her hand over Carmilla’s once or twice, but she stopped herself, unsure where the boundaries stood. Carmilla, however, had bumped her fingertips against Laura’s absently twice, and Laura had relished in the minute contact. 

 

Laura learned that Carmilla had a tiny flat in Cork City again, but she was rarely there, opting to spend her time on the road, or out exploring. She still liked being alone but she didn’t like the stifling quiet of her flat. She’d picked up smoking again during a weak moment a few weeks after they’d broken up, and she wasn’t particularly proud of it. She was trying to quit again.

 

“Have you…been seeing anyone?” Carmilla asked before taking a sip of coffee. She spun the ring on her index finger with her thumb, stomach tightening as she waited for the answer. 

 

Laura gave her a strange look. “Of course not,” She said with a disbelieving laugh. 

 

Carmilla quirked an eyebrow. “Really?” She asked after a moment. Laura nodded. “I kind of though you might have hooked up with the beanstalk. She always followed you like a puppy.”

 

Laura shook her head. “No, I…Danny’s great and all, but I don’t love her. I couldn’t, like that.”

 

Carmilla swallowed, nodding. “I’m surprised someone else hasn’t snapped you up,” She said, trying to give her usual smirk. “you’re quite the catch,”

 

Laura rolled her eyes. "What about you?” She asked, eyes glued to the bottom of her paper cup as she swilled the dregs of her hot chocolate around. 

 

“No,” Carmilla said simply, with a shake of her head. “I think…I think it’ll be a long time before consider dating again,”

 

Laura felt her insides crumble. “Oh,” She said quietly, nodding. 

 

“Are you still photographing everything?” Carmilla asked trying to lighten the mood again. 

 

Laura nodded. “I got a job at the paper, but I do freelance photography for some magazines sometimes.” A small smile flashed over her face, nostalgia in her eyes. “I still have that shoebox full of polaroids we took together,”

 

Carmilla looked up. “You do?” She asked in a small voice. 

 

Laura nodded. “It’s sitting under my bed.”

 

\-------

 

“I should probably get going,” Carmilla said reluctantly as two AM quickly approached. 

 

Laura glanced at the clock. “Oh, jeez, yeah I’m sorry I kept you out so late,”

 

“Hey, no,” Carmilla said, shaking her head as her brow scrunched up. Her hand landed on Laura’s, but she pulled away quickly. “I wanted to. I wanted to talk to you,”

 

Laura smiled a little. “Where um…where are you staying tonight? Unless you don’t want to tell me, which is totally cool, you don’t have to.”

 

“I was just going to crash in the van,” Carmilla said with a shrug.

 

“That sounds uncomfortable,” Laura said, her nose scrunching up. 

 

Carmilla gave a noncommittal noise. “it’s fine. I’ve done it long enough that it feels normal. It’s sort of my second home,”

 

Laura nodded, and was quiet as they left the café. “Y’know,” She said after a few long minutes as they walked down the dark streets, shoes clacking softly against the uneven cobblestone. “my couch is free, if you’d like to crash there. It’s softer, and probably warmer. But I mean, I get if you don’t want to, if it feels inappropriate, or, or if it’s too close to home or something, or too soon, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable —What?” She asked, having just noticed that Carmilla’s pace had slowed. She watched Carmilla apprehensively, afraid that she’d crossed a line. 

 

“You’d be okay with that?” Carmilla asked, her hands balled in her jacket pockets. She looked at Laura curiously. 

 

“Yeah, of course,” Laura said with a shrug, her face tucked into her scarf. “Carm, I—even though we’re not together anymore I still care about you,”

 

“Okay,” Carmilla said with a small smile.

 

\-------

 

The door to Laura’s apartment closed behind them, and Carmilla was overwhelmed by Laura. She was everywhere. the scent of her perfume became stronger, the sight of her books and collectables and movies, the framed posters. Images of their old flat together flashed through her mind, and she had to shake herself from it before it consumed her. 

 

“I have some blankets in the hall closet, hang on a minute,” Laura called as she strode towards the hall. Laura willed her hands not to shake as she pulled out a few blankets and a spare pillow. It’d been so long since Carmilla had been in her space. It was so familiar yet jarring, and Laura was grateful that she had decided to move out of their old flat when Carmilla had left because seeing Carmilla in their old flat would have been too much for her throbbing heart. 

 

“Here, I have a couple more if you need them—”

 

“This is perfect,” Carmilla said, stemming Laura’s nervous babbling. “thank you,”

 

Laura nodded, an awkward smile tugging at her lips. She set about tucking the blankets in behind the cushions as Carmilla shrugged her jacket off and kicked off her boots. 

 

“There,” Laura said, straightening up again after fluffing the pillow and tucking it up against the arm of the couch. She turned to Carmilla, who suddenly looked much smaller without her jacket and boots. She was just standing there in an old white teeshirt and her leather pants, her face soft and tired, hair mussed. Laura’s heart tugged painfully.   

 

“Thanks,” Carmilla said, stepping forward to stand beside Laura. “beats the backseat of the van,” She said, breathing out a chuckle. 

 

Laura turned to Carmilla with a small smile. “Of course,” She said with a little shrug. “Goodnight, Carm,” And without even thinking about it, She leaned up for a kiss as Carmilla leaned down to meet her. 

 

Carmilla’s lips were soft against Laura’s, and Laura felt a peculiar, pleasant quivering in her stomach for a moment before it turned to a sharp burning sensation as she realized what she’d done. 

 

Laura pulled away, her fingers reaching up to touch her lips. “Oh my god,” She breathed, her voice rising in pitch as the panic set in. “oh god, I’m so sorry Carm, I, I don’t know why I did that, old habit I guess, I—” The surprised look on Carmilla's face and her silence only spurred Laura’s mortification, and she backed up a step. “I’m just going to go to my room, I’m so sorry, I’ll leave in the morning so you can use the shower in peace—” She was cut off though, when Carmilla grabbed her arm and pulled her close again, and crushed her lips against Laura’s. 

 

Laura’s heart leapt painfully again for the second time in under a minute.

 

Carmilla’s hands shook as she reached up to cradle the back of Laura’s head, her fingers tangling in honey strands, and some of the tension building inside her loosed when she felt Laura kiss her back, Laura’s arms raising to curl around her neck as she opened her mouth, inviting Carmilla in. Carmilla breathed her in, and a needy noise escaped the back of her throat as Laura's tongue ran along her lower lip. The kiss became almost frantic, needy, their hands grasping at eachother like they were going to be ripped apart. 

 

\-------

 

Laura woke slowly, the faint noise of traffic and people outside her flat pulling her from sleep.

 

The next thing she noticed was the warm mass that was curled around her. The heartbeat beneath her ear. 

 

Laura opened her eyes, slowly focusing on Carmilla’s sleeping form beside her.

 

Laura felt almost guilty watching Carmilla, still laying beside her, but she couldn't force herself to move. Not just yet. She'd missed this sight so much it ached. The sunlight that streamed in from the window bathed Carmilla in warm light, highlighting the brown in her messy, dark hair that was splayed over Laura’s yellow pillow. Her face was peaceful, her chest rising and falling steadily, and her pale shoulders peeked out from Laura’s cat-print sheets. 

 

Her heart throbbed painfully. 

 

Carmilla would wake soon and realize what a mistake she'd made, and she'd run, rightfully, and Laura would attempt to put herself back together enough to function until she could push it down to a manageable pain again. 

 

Carmilla's eyelashes fluttered, and her eyes opened blearily, and Laura braced herself as Carmilla's dark eyes searched the room, confused for a moment, until they landed on her. 

 

Carmilla looked down, her eyes scrunched up at the light streaming in from the window, and her eyes suddenly softened when they fell on Laura. Laura was pressed into her side, though propped up on an elbow, and she looked almost scared, her big hazel eyes watching her, her brows furrowed, that little wrinkle showing that Carmilla used to sooth with a kiss. 

 

"Hey," Carmilla said finally, her voice scratchy from sleep.

 

"Hey," Laura almost whispered.

 

 Carmilla could feel the tension coiling in Laura's body, and her own stomach tightened. She should probably leave, she thought. That would be the right thing to do. This had been a mistake and Laura was obviously uncomfortable now that she'd come to her senses. 

 

Carmilla's eyes dropped, and she was again taken off guard by the sight of that gold claddagh still sitting against Laura's bare skin. 

 

"I...I should go," Carmilla said quietly. "I'm sorry for last night, I shouldn't have--" 

 

"No, don't be," Laura said quickly, her eyes pleading. "It...it was nice," Laura swallowed, a lump growing in her throat as Carmilla began to sit up. “I missed that. Missed you.”

 

Carmilla paused, looking at Laura curiously. "You don't regret it?" She asked. 

 

"No, I could never," Laura said, shaking her head like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "There's only one thing involving you that I regret." She took a breath, sitting up as she hugged the sheets to her chest. "I'm sorry though if last night hurt you, I...I-" 

 

"Hey, no," Carmilla shook her head as she reached out and gently cupped Laura's cheek. Laura's eyes snapped up to meet Carmilla's, looking confused. "You didn't hurt me," she huffed out a sigh, her hand sliding from Laura's cheek. She ran her hand though her hair, her eyes closing as she steeled herself. "God, Laura, I'm still so in love with you," she whispered, the confession pouring out of her unbidden. She took a breath. "Any time with you is precious to me," she opened her eyes, looking to Laura who was staring at her, her eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. "But...I should go before I make things worse,”

 

For once in Laura’s life, she couldn’t force her voice to work so he reached out and grasped Carmilla’s hand, and pulled her into a kiss. 

 

It was gentle, and sweet, and Carmilla tried not to let herself hope as Laura’s fingers brushed along her cheek and slid into her hair. 

 

Laura let out a breath as they broke apart, and she nuzzled Carmila’s cheek, her fingers still tangled in Carmilla’s wild hair. 

 

“I’m still in love with you too,” She said, “I was so _stupid_ to let you go,”

 

Carmilla’s brain, which had ground to a halt only seconds before, suddenly kicked into overdrive. “You are?” she croaked, her fingers curling around Laura’s hand, which still held hers tightly. 

 

Laura pulled back to look up at Carmilla, and gave her a weak smile. “Yeah,” She said, her voice somewhat strangled. She shrugged a shoulder, her eyes falling to her lap. “it never went away. Even though I got a new flat, you were still everywhere, and even though that hurt I couldn’t bear to change anything else because I didn’t want to not feel you around.”

 

Carmilla lifted Laura’s chin, trying to catch her eye. “I was stupid too,” She said. “the whole thing was stupid,”

 

Laura let out a small laugh, and Carmilla smiled, bumping her forehead against Laura’s.  

 

"Last night felt like nothing changed, it felt like...before," Laura's fingers fiddled with a fold in the blanket as her neck grew a little warm. "You remembered that thing that I like, with your tongue," 

 

Carmilla let out a disbelieving laugh. "I couldn't forget that if I tried," she said, tucking Laura's hair behind her ear. 

 

Laura breathed out a laugh, but she soon fell quiet, her eyes thoughtful. "Did you?" She asked, her curiosity getting the better of her. 

 

Carmilla raised an eyebrow, her eyes shifting from Laura's hair that she was trying to tame, to Laura's questioning eyes. "Did I what?" She asked softly.

 

"Try to forget me?" Laura asked in a small voice. 

 

Carmilla's eyes grew dark, and she took a deep breath. "Yes," she finally said, the admission and the flicker of hurt in Laura's eyes causing her insides to flip painfully. "I threw myself into the band a little too much. Burned myself out pretty quick. Will and Mel thought it might be good for me to get this covered up," she lifted her left hand, gesturing to the tattoo of the rose encompassing Laura's name that was tattooed on that forearm. "I had an appointment, picked out some stupid design." She shrugged. "I cancelled at the last minute...I couldn't do it. You were always there, I couldn't separate you from me...you're in my skin." 

 

Laura reached out and brushed her thumb along the tattoo again, feeling the faint bumps of the scars that made up the outline of the petals, of her name. 

 

"I could never take the claddagh off," Laura said. “you were always there too." 

 

Carmilla was quiet for a long moment, and Laura watched as an uncharacteristic timidness shone in her dark eyes. "You really still love me?" She asked quietly. 

 

"So much," Laura sighed, feeling a weight fall from her shoulders. "So much, Carm,"

 

"I love you too," Carmilla said with a rare soft smile, and leaned forward, pressing her lips to Laura's. When they broke apart, Carmilla pressed kiss after slow kiss down Laura's cheek, and she felt like her insides might burst when she heard the giggle the bubbled up from Laura's throat, felt the vibration against her mouth. 

 

She sat back and took Laura in; her touseled honey hair, her bright eyes, the freckles that dotted her shoulders. The blanket had slipped down her chest a little, and her bare skin seemed to glow in the morning sunlight. 

 

"Do you want to start with breakfast?" Carmilla finally asked. 

 


End file.
